Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
You Might Also Like
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.