@randypaint
harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]
ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school
voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]
ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy
@randypaint
hey remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off of his giant green head and fiona was shocked he turned out to be an ogre
@randypaint
youtube: do u wanna try youtube premium? it’s free for a month
me: no
[five minutes later]
youtube: ur not gonna believe what’s free for a month
@randypaint
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
fireman: what
billy joel: can i sing them to u
@randypaint
dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry
hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands
dumbledore: do i look like a wizard
@randypaint
billy joel: she’s an uptown girl
me: where has she been living
billy joel: ur not gonna believe this
@randypaint
[invention of wine]
guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years
friend: why
guy: to drink it, obviously
friend: are u okay
@randypaint
brain: bounce leg
me: why
brain: bounce
me: ok that’s fair
brain: now crack knockles
@randypaint
gal gadot: i will fix this virus panic
everyone: how
gal gadot: do u like john lennon
everyone: no
gal gadot: imagine if u did tho
@randypaint
some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday
friends: nice. what if we sang u a song about it while we stare at u
guy: i would hate it
friends: oh ya we would too
guy: perfect let’s do that forever