Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?