@randypaint

harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]

ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school

voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]

ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy

@randypaint

hey remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off of his giant green head and fiona was shocked he turned out to be an ogre

@randypaint

youtube: do u wanna try youtube premium? it’s free for a month

me: no

[five minutes later]

youtube: ur not gonna believe what’s free for a month

@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

@randypaint

dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard

@randypaint

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

@randypaint

[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

@randypaint

brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles

@randypaint

gal gadot: i will fix this virus panic

everyone: how

gal gadot: do u like john lennon

everyone: no

gal gadot: imagine if u did tho

@randypaint

some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday

friends: nice. what if we sang u a song about it while we stare at u

guy: i would hate it

friends: oh ya we would too

guy: perfect let’s do that forever