@randypaint
life: here’s some lemons
me: alright
life: a bad hairline too
me: wait-
life: also anxiety lol
me: why did u start with citrus
@randypaint
rose: yes, i was on the titanic
guy: okay, where is this diamond
rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy
guy: can u just tell us where the-
rose: best sex of my life. easily.
@randypaint
him: the name is bond
me: oh ok that’s easy lol
him: james bond
me:
him:
me: [worried] is…is there more should i get a pen
@randypaint
god: why should i let u into heaven
me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin
god: what
me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-
god: ok i get it
me: mosquitoes
@randypaint
friend: we’re worried ur on drugs
salvador dali: why i’m not at all
friend: ur paintings dont make sense
dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense
friend: what
dali: can i borrow ten dollars
@randypaint
the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face
contestant: ok
the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho
contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous
the bachelor: lol ok katie
contestant: it’s jennifer
@randypaint
me: yuck dude what’s that smell
kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit
me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult
@randypaint
mugger: [points gun] gimme ur cash
me: what are u 70 years old lol
mugger: wait-
me: let me reach into my trousers and grab my “paper money” lmao
mugger: [tearing up] please stop
@randypaint
publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world
jk rowling: hermione
publisher: ok
jk rowling: albus dumbledore
publisher: ok i get it i was wrong
jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao
publisher: what
@randypaint
making better choices in 2020:
-hard
-impressive
-everyone expects itmaking worse choices in 2020:
-easier
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say