@randypaint

life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus

@randypaint

rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: okay, where is this diamond

rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy

guy: can u just tell us where the-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.

@randypaint

him: the name is bond
me: oh ok that’s easy lol
him: james bond
me:
him:
me: [worried] is…is there more should i get a pen

@randypaint

god: why should i let u into heaven

me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin

god: what

me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-

god: ok i get it

me: mosquitoes

@randypaint

friend: we’re worried ur on drugs

salvador dali: why i’m not at all

friend: ur paintings dont make sense

dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense

friend: what

dali: can i borrow ten dollars

@randypaint

the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face

contestant: ok

the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho

contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous

the bachelor: lol ok katie

contestant: it’s jennifer

@randypaint

me: yuck dude what’s that smell

kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit

me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult

@randypaint

mugger: [points gun] gimme ur cash

me: what are u 70 years old lol

mugger: wait-

me: let me reach into my trousers and grab my “paper money” lmao

mugger: [tearing up] please stop

@randypaint

publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world

jk rowling: hermione

publisher: ok

jk rowling: albus dumbledore

publisher: ok i get it i was wrong

jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao

publisher: what

@randypaint

making better choices in 2020:
-hard
-impressive
-everyone expects it

making worse choices in 2020:
-easier
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say