[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys