it’s the 1950s. u wanna go out in public? u wear a suit. there’s three channels on tv. the people on them are all wearing suits. the radio star is still alive. he’s wearing a suit. wanna hear music? hope u like pianos and white people. in suits.


Me: has anyone else worn this?

Interviewer: um, no

Me: that’s because no one else is willing to go [wings pop out on my buzz lightyear costume] to infinity and beyond for this job


[just time traveled to the past]

them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works

me: lol no

them: can u explain literally anything

me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks


saying “u should smile more”

-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont


car salesman: this one is self-driving

me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself

car salesman: that’s not-

me: do u have any that come with friends


boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know

boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder


[family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A


Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup


Friend: whats wrong

Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific