@randypaint
it’s the 1950s. u wanna go out in public? u wear a suit. there’s three channels on tv. the people on them are all wearing suits. the radio star is still alive. he’s wearing a suit. wanna hear music? hope u like pianos and white people. in suits.
@randypaint
Me: has anyone else worn this?
Interviewer: um, no
Me: that’s because no one else is willing to go [wings pop out on my buzz lightyear costume] to infinity and beyond for this job
@randypaint
[just time traveled to the past]
them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works
me: lol no
them: can u explain literally anything
me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks
@randypaint
saying “u should smile more”
-boring
-she wont like it
-will not make her smilesaying “lemme see ur mouth bones”
-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont
@randypaint
car salesman: this one is self-driving
me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself
car salesman: that’s not-
me: do u have any that come with friends
@randypaint
boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know
boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder
@randypaint
[family using ouija board after my death]
brother: how is heaven?
me: S U C K S
brother: why?
me: N O D R U G S
brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too
me: J K M O M H A H A
@randypaint
Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha
Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup
@randypaint
Friend: whats wrong
Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific