Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
This probably isn’t good
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
choose your gary
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”