It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
You Might Also Like
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks