Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
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*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Perfect
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.