@ranndrew

“How much do you love me?”
Count the stars in the sky and that’s how much I love you
“But it’s so cloudy”
*pats her on the head*
Yeah I know

@ranndrew

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

@ranndrew

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

@ranndrew

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

@ranndrew

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

@ranndrew

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

@ranndrew

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.