I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*