Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
You Might Also Like
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget