Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
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opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG