“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
New favorite tiktok
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter