I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*