It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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#math
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.