Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.