@ravenswng_

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

@ravenswng_

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

@ravenswng_

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

@ravenswng_

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

@ravenswng_

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

@ravenswng_

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

@ravenswng_

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

@ravenswng_

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

@ravenswng_

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

@ravenswng_

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.