Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.