@rcromwell4

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

@rcromwell4

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

@rcromwell4

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

@rcromwell4

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

@rcromwell4

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

@rcromwell4

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

@rcromwell4

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

@rcromwell4

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

@rcromwell4

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

@rcromwell4

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.