Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.