the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The Wolf of Wall Street.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.