Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do