do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I feel this so hard
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?