Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.