[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
You Might Also Like
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.