[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[open casket funeral]
woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET
Waiter: a little salsa for your chips, folks?
Patron: I dunno… *looks at chips* you guys want him to dance for you?
waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?
me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
her: i like a guy who takes his time
me (seductively): i wore diapers until 5th grade