[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here


me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t


[open casket funeral]

woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET


[Mexican Restaurant]

Waiter: a little salsa for your chips, folks?

Patron: I dunno… *looks at chips* you guys want him to dance for you?



waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?

me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you


her: i like a guy who takes his time

me (seductively): i wore diapers until 5th grade