I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Basketball
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?