Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*