Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
The Punning Dead.
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!
And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.