Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
When can I start eating bats again.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan