I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.