They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound