an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
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Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work