I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Cndnsd Mlk
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
these two trucks have the same bed length
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Accurate
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.