So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
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Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
lol
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way