shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
You Might Also Like
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work