@recursivetaco

have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?

@recursivetaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@recursivetaco

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

@recursivetaco

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

@recursivetaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

@recursivetaco

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

@RecursiveTaco

Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!

Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.

@RecursiveTaco

Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes

Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back

@RecursiveTaco

My dog learned how to open our sliding door and my toddler learned how to open the baby gate, so if anyone sees a toddler riding a dog those are mine.

@RecursiveTaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT