Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
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My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Taking phone security to the next level.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.