fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.