“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Natty or not?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.