[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Become ungovernable.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite