Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Story of my life…..
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!