Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
#ProTip
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Well, this certainly took a turn
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.