Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
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My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!