told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.