I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
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Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I need to update my racial profile.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.