imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
The pasta is now
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full