When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
is this a threat
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.