“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
You Might Also Like
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.