me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You Might Also Like
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.