It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
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Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
This is amazing.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
🙁
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?