(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
My five year plan is a meteorite
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa