I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
You Might Also Like
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Perfect
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)