[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
the icebreaker
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
A leaf blower, but for people.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
HERE’S MARKY
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos